The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
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Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
No, he would not have.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.