*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
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If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations