Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
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I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.