Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
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Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
[canadians at you, canadianly]
oppen heimer style lol
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?