Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
You Might Also Like
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame