People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
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Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.