cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
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It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ