My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
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Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Classic German Shepherd 😂
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
#JohnTravolta