in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
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doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?