if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
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Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from