One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
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me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
*jingles half the way*
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same