Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
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You better watch out
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.