Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
You Might Also Like
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.