once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
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Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?