Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
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People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
What the hell is going on?
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.