Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
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What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.