Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
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My hips? Compulsive liars.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?