Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
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Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle