YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
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I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head