Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
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[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
That’s what I call a flat tire
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming