I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
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Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!