Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
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when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.