I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
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Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Baller is short for ballerina
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
the only bumper sticker ill allow
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together