I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
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Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here