What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
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hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
This is a sub tweet
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano