I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
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Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”