Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
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Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit