Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
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Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.