According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
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[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*