You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
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Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Need WebMD
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay