Chicken bread
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Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
We need to put an American base on the sun
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”