i’m so old i’m almost back in style
You Might Also Like
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
not for long
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
My teenage children choosing violence
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game