Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
You Might Also Like
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
my nickname in college
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.