When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
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Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Life is a suicide mission.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?