Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
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A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
this has done me in for some reason
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
And that about sums it up.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.