*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
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BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*