people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
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If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises