Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
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So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die