me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
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[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
I need a headline like this
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
I hope they boil the right one.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope