Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
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A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm