My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
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If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
How to woo a woman
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.