Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
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[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
this has to be peak English
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.