{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
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“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
j o i m p
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
My patronus is a cheeseburger
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.