This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
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interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
how to have an accident 101
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.