Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
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If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
shampoo implies shampee
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!