Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
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last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
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“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.