[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
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Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
some cats are just doing for fun!
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.