You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
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Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Woke up with morning Yule Log
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says