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When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.