DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
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I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.